Non-Judgement

by khara&jesse · December 9, 2020

Right & Wrong. Sometimes it seems so important to define them. It is, however, part of our practice to notice when we might be judging something or someone, so we can recognize that it is only just that, a judgment. And in so doing, we hope to create a little space before reacting emotionally. It’s not right or wrong; it just is.

Classically, we two can find ourselves in the middle of an argument about something we don’t even really care about. But the fact that we’ve chosen a position and defending our own sense of righteousness is so seductive that we end up angry with the one we love. In our long-term partnership, we have found our way to the pause. In our more clear-headed moments, we decided that anyone may declare the need for a time-out at any time and we’ll both respect that call. It’s not to say that the “discussion” is over, but one of us (or maybe both) need some time to let the emotional charge settle. I like the image of being in a snow globe. You feel all shaken up and everything is swirling around overwhelmingly. But if you can take some quiet time, it all begins to settle. When we return to talks, we still may not agree, but we both seem to love and respect each other so much more. And we are far more likely to start over with an open mind and even the humility to admit where we may have actually been wrong.

A lighthearted angle that always seems to break a little tension, is to sing it: “You may be right. I may be crazy. But it just might be a lunatic you’re looking for.”

Khara’s dad also likes to say, “Remember the rule of holes: When you’re in one, stop digging.”

While it can be surprisingly easy to let your righteousness fly around the ones you love the most, it is a different sensation to judge those you know less. One of our intentions in moving away from Austin was to meet new people, including those who may think less like we do. And we have met so many wonderful and diverse people already. Some of them hold different, maybe more traditionally conservative, values than ours, but we find common ground in our working together on projects and find respect through that. There have also been more aggressive attitudes that have been hard to accept. For example, while it feels very clear to us that wearing a mask and giving each other space are relatively simple actions we can take to ease the impact of suffering from the coronavirus pandemic, we react with surprise and sometimes anger towards those who decline to help in this way. Some even flout their choice, which feels all the more offensive. Jesse once ran into an older man in the check-out line at HEB, who seemed to think it would be funny to wear the mask he chose, not one that covered his mouth, but a Batman mask worn over his eyes. It is not our role in society to tell people to wear a mask, but I’d often like to tell them that I wish they would. No, they are not comfortable, they are easy to forget and an annoyance to care for, but if they can help people avoid the pain of illness, the death of someone loved, the stress & fatigue of working in health care, I will certainly wear one.

We tend to struggle with the gray. When do you let things be, listen, and go with the flow because voicing your opinion may lead to discord and no change anyway? When are you honest and stand up for yourself with what you believe is most helpful? When is the example of who you are enough?

When it comes to self judgement, tennis always an easy exercise to return to. How often do we jump into playing without a thought as to what we are doing? Suddenly I find myself so frustrated that my effort is not working the way I think it should? I run through a list of things that should help: Be ready, get to the ball, ground yourself, reach back, swing through, point where you want it to go, breathe out length when you feel breathy, push through. And when it still doesn’t get better, I get so irritable. You can imagine how anger contributes to a physical game that is already not going well. Sigh. But why judge? It’s not helping you enjoy this game you like to play. So, there’s a lesson. And the more I repeat it, the sooner I get out of my own way and back to some healthy mantras. More often than not, when the self judgement stops, the game is much easier to enjoy and accept playing well and not so well.

Mantras developed for tennis (or life): Stay loose. No judgement. Also: Come back to the ball (breath) aka when all else fails, keep your eye on the ball. Sometimes: This is for fun.

All of these forms of judgement and the samsara or dissatisfaction they stimulate are ways we create our own suffering. The impulse for judging right and wrong may not go away. But every time it arises, we have the opportunity to learn something from it. It may be knowing you can choose to pause when you are agitated. It may be understanding that you just don’t know. It may be setting it aside, so you can enjoy what just is.

We love y’all. Stay safe out there. Take care of each other.